My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
