the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
