My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
