I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
