You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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