I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have aggressive nipples.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
