you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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