so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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