My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
