Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
