I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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