All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
