Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
