I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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