it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
