my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
