I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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