I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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