cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
