some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
