Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
