so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
