the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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