dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
