I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
