You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Come on in and take your pants off
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