My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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