She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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