He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
