im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
