You can't special order awesome
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
