It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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