I want to make a zoo with you.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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