Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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