Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
