when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize