You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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