listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
