our cab driver is having phone sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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