I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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