Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
