If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
