i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
