You really coming over, don't trick.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
