Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
