Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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