i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
