I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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