I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
