great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
