Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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