remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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