I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
