My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was confusing and full of hummus
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
