Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When are your genitals available?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
God, I missed his penis.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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