Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
