just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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