My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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