Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
