There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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