I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I AM VODKA MAN
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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